I’m here to make a confession: I can watch one TikTok after another and accomplish absolutely nothing for an embarrassing amount of time.
If you haven’t heard of TikTok, then you’ve been in a coma for the past couple of years. It’s a social media platform that shows short videos, which can be cute, annoying, amazing, scary, depressing, joyful, wise, stupid and more from one to the next.
I’m not proud of my addiction, but it gave me an idea. What if short bursts of information would work as well in a published column as they do on social media?
It’s time for you to be the judge because I’m about to dive into my idea file and spill it all over the page for what I hope is your enjoyment.
Without further ado, welcome to my version of short-attention-span theater:
- I don’t want my dog to offend people. Sometimes, she stares at them for what I think is an inappropriate length of time, and I’m powerless to stop her.
- My wife told me the first name of someone who had died. I immediately thought of two people. I was so relieved when I found out it wasn’t either of them, and then I felt guilty for having been relieved.
- The ice maker overflows in the winter and dwindles to near nothing in the summer.
- The only person to offer me a bribe to put a story in the newspaper was a preacher who wore a ring with a dollar sign on it. He offered to drop some money that I could pick up. He wanted to “bless me” so I could “bless him.” I didn’t write the story.
- I’m one of the few people alive today who prefers to use his phone in the 20th-century way rather than 21st-century ways.
- My daughter, Olivia, once said, “My name resonates in some halls but not those,” and it might be the coolest thing she’s ever said.
- Nobody is outside of humanity. We may call other people monsters and lock them away from the rest of us, but all humans are human even if we don’t like to admit it.
- The other day, my cat was halfway under the covers on my bed and couldn’t decide if he wanted to put in the effort to free himself.
- When I met a bunch of new people recently, I told them several stories about Jay Bell, my friend from “Bradenton-Fun-in-the-Sun-Baby, Florida.” I never mentioned his name, so as far as they know, his exploits happened to five or six different people.
- My wife suggested an idea for my tombstone: Here lies Michael Scott Morris. He was the best at picking wives.
- I walked by the neighbor’s yard, and three little birds took flight before landing in a tree. I hummed a Bob Marley tune for the rest of the walk. (If you get that reference, “every little thing’s gonna be all right.”)
- No holy man ever relieved himself on a 24-karat gold toilet seat.
- “Yes” and “no” are important words. But where would we have gotten in life without all those “maybes?”
- I’m too old to enjoy a hoverboard from “Back to the Future.” If they were on sale by Christmas, I’d be excited, but it would be tempered by the fact that I wouldn’t trust myself on one.
- Whatever role you’re thinking about taking on, it’s not going to be what you think it is. Life is always more complicated than our imaginations.
If you enjoyed this, please consider supporting me at Patreon— https://www.patreon.com/morrisstories — because I now have two kids in college.
